Understanding Compulsory Heterosexuality
The journey of self-discovery for LGBTQ+ individuals often includes a series of familiar milestones: obsessing over Lady Gaga’s music, purchasing a Pride flag, finding the pronouns that resonate, and even developing feelings for a straight friend. Yet, there is a less enjoyable, but all too common experience known as compulsory heterosexuality, or comphet.
Defining Comphet
Jordana Ezra, a somatic sexologist from New York City, explains, “Comphet is the forceful normalization and glorification of heterosexuality as the ‘correct’ way to experience love, sex, and relationships. It assumes that women will naturally be attracted to men and enjoy it. It teaches girls and femmes to be straight, regardless of their true orientation.”
Comphet is not exclusive to queer women; it affects anyone grappling with their sexuality and identity in a heteronormative society. If societal expectations around heterosexuality cause confusion about your place on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, you may be experiencing comphet.
Recognizing and Overcoming Comphet
To address comphet, we consulted experts for their insights. Jordana Ezra and Katie Moore, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in LGBTQIA+ affirming care, share their expertise.
The Historical Context of Comphet
Comphet is rooted in centuries of narratives that prioritize male perspectives and promote cisgendered and heterosexual norms, says Ezra. The term was introduced by lesbian feminist Adrienne Rich in her 1980 essay “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence” and has gained wider recognition since.
Katie Moore explains, “Comphet is the assumption that people are heterosexual until proven otherwise.” This assumption is pervasive, manifesting in everyday interactions and societal norms, such as assuming someone’s partner is of the opposite gender based on a wedding ring or the default questions on medical forms.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing Comphet
Ezra and Moore highlight several indicators of comphet:
- Automatically assuming characters are straight unless explicitly stated otherwise.
- Feeling disconnected or confused in relationships with men.
- Believing heterosexuality is the norm.
- Assuming attire is intended to attract the opposite sex.
- Making comments like “that boy will be a ladies’ man” or “that girl will break boys’ hearts.”
- Dating the opposite sex in hopes of finding the right match.
- Convincing yourself to like someone simply because they are nice or interested in you.
- Feeling more alive or safe around queer people but dismissing those feelings.
- Desiring queer intimacy but doubting your own identity.
- Staying in relationships to avoid disappointing others.
- Feeling something is missing in straight relationships.
- Being drawn to queer stories and spaces but identifying only as an ally.
The Impact of Comphet
“Lesbians and queer women are particularly affected by comphet, as it encourages ignoring personal desires to perform for men,” Ezra notes. Many lesbians spend years in heterosexual relationships, mistakenly believing the issue lies with them rather than societal expectations.
Comphet also affects bisexual, pansexual, and questioning individuals by pressuring them to choose a side or conform to societal norms. Trans and non-binary people face similar pressures to fit into straight culture or adhere to traditional gender roles.
Young people are especially vulnerable to comphet, as they are still exploring their identities. Moore recalls, “Growing up, I had limited representation, which delayed my self-discovery due to the ‘straight unless proven otherwise’ assumption.”
Comphet’s Reach Beyond LGBTQ+ Identities
Ezra emphasizes that comphet is about conditioning, not just identity. Even straight individuals can feel its effects if they have been taught to prioritize their partner’s needs or tie their worth to desirability by the opposite sex.
Strategies for Moving Beyond Comphet
Ezra and Moore offer guidance for overcoming comphet:
- Notice when actions are motivated by obligation rather than desire.
- Connect with people who resonate with you and learn from their experiences.
- Engage in practices like breathwork, self-pleasure, or mirror work to explore personal desires and boundaries.
- Re-educate your inner child and adopt empowering beliefs from a sex-positive, queer-liberated perspective.
- Embrace the community and find belonging to strengthen your sense of self.
- Acknowledge and process emotions tied to past inauthentic experiences.
- Address internalized homophobia with compassion.
- Consider therapy with a specialist in LGBTQIA+ care for additional support.